Memoirs of Miriam
by xblackrosefirex
Summary: Miriam Pataki reflects on her life, and the choices she made. Nobody ever said that marriage and motherhood would be easy. Rated T, and I guess some of M for these reasons: mentions and usage of alcohol, and the mentioning of the highly sensitive topic of abortion.


My second Hey Arnold fic! And since it is only my second, please try to be nice. I'm actually quite happy that I've branched out of Yu Yu Hakusho, but I will still be writing stories for the series.

This story is long, quite long for a one-shot, but I didn't feel the need to turn it into a multi-chapter story.

Also, Miriam's POV in this. If I went a little off track with her character, I do apologize. However, she's not in very many episodes, and half the time, she's passed out. In my defense, we really don't know very much about her character, other than a few things here and there. Now that I think about it, I kind of like it that way, because it gives us fanfiction writers enough freedom to shape a character such as Miriam, into any way we want, provided that we still stay true to the original character that was given to us. You kind of have to give them a personality, when you don't have much to work with.

In this fic, it's a POV from Miriam Pataki, and how she got where she is today. Summary: Miriam Pataki reflects on her life, and the regrets she feels from the choices she made. Nobody said marriage and motherhood would be easy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold. I just own the plot of this story.

My name is Miriam Pataki, and my story starts when I was 19 years old. At 19 years old, I believed that I had accomplished a lot: top student at Kingston University, champion rodeo rider, and Olympic class swimmer.

And it was also at 19 years old that I met the man of my dreams: Bob Pataki.

Bob and I hit it off right away. He was such a gentleman, and he made me so happy! I knew from the get go that he was the man for me.

I was 20 years old when Bob proposed to me. It was on our tenth date, outside the restaurant where we went on our first. I'll never forget it: the look on his face when he told me that he loved me. That he couldn't imagine his life without me. The look on my face when he knelt down on one knee and said the words I was so happy to hear: Miriam Anne Shelton (1), will you do me the honors of becoming my wife? With a smile on my face and tears in my eyes I accepted. I was overcome with joy, for I had a found a man who loved me! I decided to drop out of college, and live a new life, a life with my husband to be.

We got married a couple weeks later. It wasn't a very large wedding, just family members and small handful of friends. My sister, Carol (2), was the maid of honor, and Bob's best friend Jerry from the football team (3) was the best man. We had our honeymoon in Lake Tahoe (4), and I loved it.

Then, everything started to change. When we got back to Hillwood, Bob's father died, leaving Bob the new owner of Big Bob's Beepers (his father was also named Bob). And Bob became a different person. Gone was the man who kissed my hand, pulled out chairs, and would step aside with a charming smile, hold out his hand and say, "After you, my dear." Instead, there was a gruff, impatient man in his place. A man who yelled at me and put me down for everything that I did. I was shocked and didn't know what had happened. How could a man that was so sweet one moment be such a monster the next? But, I didn't think anything of it. I kept telling myself that Bob was dealing with his father's death, and that being the owner of a company had to be stressful.

Fast forward a few months later, I discovered that I was pregnant, and my entire world just fell apart. I looked at the positive bright pink sign like it was a horrible, menacing demon. I was scared, angry, terrified, and disappointed. I was on birth control, and Bob was using condoms just to be extra cautious! How could this have happened? I wasn't ready to have kids! I was only 20 years old, and didn't know the first thing about being a mother. I didn't even want it! I mean, I wanted kids, but not that early in life! I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and at 20 years old I had no desire to take care of, raise, and devote all my time to a child. I still wanted to hang out with friends, and I was thinking of maybe going back to school while I was still married to Bob. I even wanted to get a job, and having a baby would have ruined all that. I began thinking up all the ways I was going to tell Bob. I had to tell him, before it was too late. I knew had to do something.

When I told Bob, he was floored. I swear, his jaw hit the floor when I just came out and said, "B, I'm…I'm pregnant." I knew that he too wanted children, but the timing couldn't have been worse! He asked me if I was positively sure, to which I had responded that I took three pregnancy tests, all different brands, and they all came out positive. There was no question about it, I was pregnant. I had my own ideas of having an abortion. I didn't like the idea of the abortion itself, but there was no way I could raise a child at 20 years old, and there was no way I could carry that baby for nine months and then have it taken away from me. I began thinking about how early I was in the pregnancy, and concluded that I was only a few weeks, maybe a couple months' tops. Yes, I could get an abortion this early. It is a safe and legal medical procedure, after all, and I was pretty sure I could have children later on.

But Bob stood strong. He always had a way of persuading me. He told me that I was going to have this baby, whether the both of us felt we were ready or not. Told me that the idea of an abortion disgusted him (I didn't even mention my thoughts about getting an abortion). Said that the child inside me was completely innocent. I didn't dare tell him my own thoughts on having an abortion. So, swallowing my doubts and my regrets at getting pregnant, I put a smile on my face and said, "Ok." However, I still had my doubts. Could I really do this? Could I really be a good mother this child? Would I really be able to sacrifice what I wanted to do for a baby that I never even planned on having? Time would tell, I guess.

As the baby grew inside of me, I began thinking that maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Sure, I was going to have to give up a lot, but I had a husband to support me, and there are families out there who have as many as four kids or more. If they could do it, then I could do it. How hard could it possibly be?

About four or five months into the pregnancy, Bob and I learned that we were having a baby girl. I remember that day so well because the second Bob heard the words "baby girl," he hit the floor. I was laughing hysterically.

A few days before I turned 21, I went into labor, and I have to say, it was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I wasn't allowed an epidural because I was too far in to the labor process, and by that time, it wouldn't be good for the baby. Bob held my hand throughout the entire thing, and although I saw him wince a few times, he knew that me practically breaking his fingers didn't even compare the feeling of being ripped open. I screamed and cried things like, "get this kid out of me!" and "I changed my mind, I don't want a baby anymore!" And "Oh god, just get her out!" flew out of my mouth. The labor itself went on for 12 hours.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on December 23rd, (5) at 11:25 AM. 6 pounds, 11 ounces and 22 inches long. Bob and I named her Olga, after his mother, Olga Pataki. I was tired. I was tired, sore, and completely unsure of how things would turn out. I was thankful that the baby was given a clean bill of health. Three days later, we brought her home.

For the first few weeks, family members (both mine and Bob's) would visit our home, and gush over baby Olga. Cooing, holding up toys, you name it. My mother had bought a few adorable outfits for the new baby, and I must admit, although this motherhood thing was new to me, I had a lot of fun showing off my new baby. So far, so good. I seriously thought I could do this!

Then, before I even knew it, reality had reared its ugly head. It stretched out its large foot, and tripped me before I even realized what was happening. I knew that raising a child would be hard, but I didn't think that it would be this hard! Any ounce of being a free woman with no responsibilites other than being a wife were over. Constantly getting up at all hours of the night to feed a screaming baby, cleaning up messes and changing diapers were draining me slowly and surely. The phone calls from my friends went from, "Yeah, I can hang out tonight!" to "I'm sorry, but once again, I can't go out tonight. Bob's working, and I have to stay home with the baby." I never got a moments rest! Time for me and only me just did not happen. It was always for the baby. Anything that I wanted to do had to be set aside so that baby Olga's needs could come first. And although I loved my daughter, I was a wreck. Hours of no sleep and being the sole listener of a screaming and wailing infant were like nails to my brain. Sometimes her laughter even gave me a headache! There were times when Olga was sound asleep; I'd have an emotional breakdown. I'd put the baby down for a nap, go into the bathroom and just cry my eyes out. I felt so trapped. I hated the fact that my friends who were my age were going off to college, having the time of their lives, getting the degree that they wanted and were set to live the life they dreamed of, and here I was: 21 years old, in a town where I didn't know a lot of people (I wasn't originally from Hillwood), and stuck with a baby that I didn't plan on having, and my husband did not get it. How could he even begin to know how I felt? I understood that he was working to make a living for us, but he wasn't the one who had to change diapers! He wasn't the one who had to wake up three to four times a night to feed a baby! He wasn't the one who had to stay home and take care of it. He wasn't the one who got menacing looks from his parents when he didn't answer little Olga's cries right away. He was the one who forced me to have the baby. I was stuck at home, day after day, with a baby that wasn't planned, and one that I didn't even want in the first place! I wanted to leave! I wanted to abandon motherhood and all the work that came with it, move back to my home town and live the life I would have lived had I not gotten married and popped out a kid. However, if I ever did that, both of my parents, who are pretty old fashioned and rather judgmental people, would disown me (or at least that's the impression they've always given me. I often hear my mother talking about how she hears about mothers abandoning children, and that they were, "selfish, trampy no-do-gooders"). Also, mothers who leave their children just for a better life are despised, judged and scorned. But trust me, if the consequences of me leaving did not exist, I would. It was just so much work, and I was too young and not ready to do this! And what also really pains me to say, is this: although I loved my daughter more than anything, I really didn't want her around. There were times when I would look at Olga and think, "Why can't you just go away?" and "If I could turn back time, I would have never had you." This killed me! How could I even think such things about my own daughter?

Olga grew up to be a very lovely child. Always smiling and laughing. I could tell Bob saw her as a joy as well. He loved doting on her and bringing her sweets. She had my hair and eyes, but Bob's determination to be great in anything and everything she did. My Olga was a go getter, and Bob and I knew she was going to do great things.

Then, when I was 29, I got pregnant again. And just like the last pregnancy, this one was also unplanned. Although I was much older than I was when I had Olga, I still couldn't help but feel despair at that damned positive sign on the test. I didn't even really feel any excitement. To me, it was being trapped all over again. And, just like the last pregnancy, I was forced by Bob to keep this one, whether I wanted any more kids, or not. I just a put a happy smile on my face and said, "Ok," once more. My smile did not reach my eyes.

29 years old, depressed, fat as a cow, stuck in a loveless marriage, where I couldn't do anything about it. Oh yeah! Miriam Anne Shelton, top student, champion rodeo rider and Olympic class swimmer became Miriam Pataki, regretful wife and mother, and foolish woman who was in over her head, getting involved in things she was too young to understand.

On March 26 (6), at 10:20 PM, I gave birth to another little girl, whom I named Helga. Eight pounds, seven ounces and 23 inches long. And she looked so much like her father, it was scary. The same unibrow, the same scowl. The same persistent nature. But, she had my blonde hair, just like Olga did. Where Olga was quiet and peaceful, Helga was loud and chaotic. I think I woke up more than I did at night to feed her, than I did with Olga. However, Olga was nine years old, and she seemed to love helping me out with the new baby while Bob was away at work. I have to admit, I was glad that for once in my life, I was getting extra help, even if it was from a nine year old child.

After Helga was born, I got my tubes tied. I did not want any more children, nor was I planning on having anymore. Two for me, was more than enough. B was more than happy about this as well, for he felt the same way I did. He too, did not want any more kids. My sister Nancy had a couple of kids of her own, and I was fine with playing the part of the doting aunt. But anymore children of my own? That is just not going to happen. I was done!

As Helga grew older, she got more and more precocious and so curious of the world around her. I noticed that she loved it when I read her a bedtime story, jabbing her tiny chubby fingers at words, and trying to pronounce them herself.

And as our girls grew older, it was like our abilities to be fair and loving parents shrunk.. Often a time we would dote upon our oldest daughter, and leave Helga to fend for herself. Bob and I could scarcely contain ourselves when we learned that our 13 year old Olga was class valedictorian, and a classical pianist. Bob would revel in her accomplishments, bragging to everyone that his Olga was a genius. Trophy's and medals of Olga's triumphs lined the walls, and there were no mentions that we even had a second daughter. It was as if little Helga ceased to exist.

And that killed me. I loved Helga just as much I loved Olga, but I didn't know how to show it. Isn't that sad? I didn't know how to show one of my daughters that I loved her just as much as I loved my other one. I guess I took to Olga more because she was who I was when I was her age. Bob took to Olga because she was a winner. Olga was doing everything I wanted to do and more, so it really was no wonder why I supported her and loved her.

But I really wish that I showed Helga the same love and attention. I mean, I didn't even bother correcting Bob when he called Helga Olga (which drove her crazy and caused her to have resentment towards her sister), or just "The Girl." I knew he loved Helga, he just didn't know how to show it either.

When I turned 35, I took to the bottle. Not the most responsible thing to do I realize, but I just did not care. The burning liquid may have left a bitter taste in my mouth, but it numbed the constant pain that I had felt. Glasses of wine at dinner here and there turned into sneaking a glass or two at night. And then, I graduated to shots until finally I didn't even bother keeping my alcohol abuse a secret. It really didn't surprise me that this was happening, as my father himself was a recovering alcoholic. I had always told myself that I would never follow in his footsteps. But, give up your dreams, get married to a man who isn't whom you thought he would be, have a kid you didn't plan on having, and see if you can make good choices. I had already made a bunch of really bad ones, why not add another to the list? Sometimes my drinking would get so bad that I would pass out wherever I was. I couldn't even make my youngest daughter a decent lunch. I felt so pathetic, and felt so guilty that I was being such a bad mom, but I do all of this anyway! But…I loved my daughters, so that must mean I'm not all bad.

However, there were times when I thought about divorcing B, and moving back in with my parents until I could support myself. I often planned it out in my head: I wouldn't even tell him I wanted a divorce. I would simply find a way to hire a lawyer, get the divorce papers, and leave, and when I did, I would move out of Hillwood (in all honesty, I hated it there), and get a job. I would have even given full custody to Bob. My lifestyle was not fit for a child, and I would have been more than happy with just visitation, and no responsibilities when it came to motherhood. But that's farfetched. My parents would never take me back if I left my children behind, and maybe it's because I still want to leave that I feel as pathetic and guilty as I did before, and even now.

And so, I'm 38 years old today. Olga, still the star of the family, is off at college, and Helga is either a second…first…no a….third…no…fourth grader at P.S. 118. Nothing has changed around the house. Big Bob is still a brute (even though I do care for him in my own way, and I know he does me), and I'm still stuck in a loveless marriage, the only companion that I have that I feel truly understands me are my smoothies (which I'll spike with whiskey, vodka, tequila, whatever I can get my hands on). Olga continues to bring home the medals and trophies, and Helga still wears her scowl and has even adopted some of her father's mannerisms.

I'm 38 years old, and you know what? I would like to take this time to reflect. Looking back on my life, I realize that there are so many things I would do over. I would not have dropped out of college, I would not have gotten married, and I would not have had kids. Perhaps if I had waited, I would have become Miriam Anne Shelton Somebody when I turned 29, maybe even 38.

And as I make myself a smoothie, I reflect some more, and I hate myself for putting me in this position. I wish I had been smarter. But the damage is done, and that is that. Like I said before, I can't leave, but if I could, I would.

And as I think of my daughters Helga and Olga, I'd just like to say a few things to both of them:

Olga, I am so proud of you. I admire you for doing everything that I did before, and accomplishing what I could never do. You are such an amazing person, Olga.

And Helga, my youngest daughter, I know I haven't shown you much love and support, and for that please know that I am truly sorry and I deeply regret it. But, things are so complicated. Maybe one day when you'll older, you'll understand. You might even understand now. Your sister may have succeeded in academics, but when it came to reading people and judging them as a character, that you excelled in. If it's any comfort to you, Helga, please know that no matter what happens, I have always loved you and will always love you. I'm just sorry that I can't be the mother you want me to be.

I need another smoothie. All this reflecting made me thirsty. Time to go back to the life I know and will always know. I like to think that one day I can be strong, stand up for myself and say, "Enough." I like to think that one day, I could be a good mom.

But I like to Think is an awfully long way away.

Notes:

1) Had to give Miriam a maiden name before she married Bob. I just came up with one.

2) A made up character. I think in one episode it says that Miriam had a sister, but I could very well be wrong.

3) Another made up character.

4) I just picked Lake Tahoe as their honeymoon location. Because I can do that.

5) Olga Pataki's made up birthday. I'm planning to write a fic from Olga's point of view on her family, and this particular date will be explained in that fic. I read up on some zodiacs to see which ones fit Olga and I thought, "Capricorn." Of course, I may change her birth date to that of a Pisces, because that seems to fit Olga as well. However, if anyone knows of a zodiac that would fit Olga, feel free to say something!

6) Helga's made up birthday. I picked March 26th for these reasons: In the episode _April Fools_, Arnold presents Helga with a gift, stating that it was her birthday just last week. April Fool's falls on the date of April 1st, so it would make sense to have Helga's birthday between the dates of March 24th and March 29th. Also, the zodiac sign of Aries falls on these dates: March 21st to April 20th . I have a book called _Lovestrology_ by Phyllis Vega, who describes Aries as, "high spirited, and assertive….quick to anger…your enthusiasm sometimes gets the better of you, and you're often accused of running roughshod over other people's feelings and ideas…you prefer taking the initiative instead of waiting around for things to happen." (Page 17) These particular passages also caught my eye about Helga, "Nothing is hidden in the Aries personality—what people see is what they get. In love and friendship, you are direct in your approach and honest in your responses," and "Despite your sociability, you resent restrictions on your personal freedom. You have a generous, caring nature, yet you refuse to compromise either your independence or your ideals. You're ardent, loving, passionate, and loyal to those you love, but you can be rash and impulsive when the spirit moves you." (Page 17) I thought all that fit Helga perfectly, which is why it makes a lot of sense that she would be an Aries.

Now Miriam's part in all of this: I got the idea for this fic, just from watching Miriam. In the episode _Olga gets Engaged_, when Olga announces that she is dropping out of school to get married, to which Miriam begs her daughter not to make the same mistake that she had made. I'm guessing what happened was that Miriam was probably just like Olga: a winner, someone who excelled at everything she did. And then, Miriam met Big Bob, fell in love with him because she thought he was such a great guy and the love of her life. And then, she was probably proved very wrong. I think what happened was that Miriam gave up all of her dreams, got married at a very young age, and also had a kid at a very young age, and as a result of all that, fell into a deep depression because certain things came too fast (her first born baby),and she got married too young. Basically, I think what happened was that Miriam got herself into such grown up situations, even though she was an adult at the time, but she was still too young and possibly too immature to handle, and she got the life that she wanted, when she didn't want it, and she married the man of her dreams, only to find out that he was anything but.

Also, let's face it:, Miriam does in fact abuse alcohol. Signs of alcohol abuse include: ignoring your responsibilities (forgetting to make Helga her lunch for school, not looking at the road when she drives), driving drunk/getting in trouble with law enforcement (in the episode Beeper Queen, Miriam drives Helga to school, and Arnold asks Helga, "When did your mom get her license back?" or it was "Did your mom get her license back?" Because of Miriam's drunken stupor that is seen numerous times on the show—constantly passed/passing out, slurring her words, etc, this small conversation between Arnold and Helga could very well indicate that some time ago, Miriam had gotten a DUI, had her license suspended, and hasn't yet paid off the fines), neglecting Helga, possibly breaking promises to Helga because she (Miriam) was too drunk or too hung over to keep those promises, and using alcohol as a means to escape stress or sadness. But because this is a kid's show, they can't use the word alcohol. So the code word for booze is smoothie. Plus, there was going to be a spinoff of the Hey Arnold series, where Miriam was to be shown doing a twelve step program.

Now, here is why I think that Miriam shows signs of depression. It is a very rare feat to see Miriam truly happy, and she mostly hangs out at the Pataki household moping and sulking about. I obviously researched both alcoholism, alcohol abuse and depression, before, during and after writing this fic, cause you know, I wanted to get my facts straight as much as possible, and these are the signs of depression that Miriam has shown: having trouble remembering things and/or concentrating (Miriam driving. Enough said.) feeling guilty, worthless, and helpless, loss of interest in things that were once pleasurable or something you once really enjoyed (I still truly think, from what I've stated earlier, that Miriam regrets marrying Big Bob and getting herself into a situation that she wasn't mature enough to handle, and honestly, their sex life? Probably not that great. In fact, they may not even have a sex life. And like I said, Miriam doesn't engage in any activities that she may have once found enjoyable), and having little to no energy.

In short, Miriam was simply not ready to bring a kid into the world. She was not ready for the choices she made, and now has to deal with the consequences of those choices, and because Bob is a very manipulative, forceful person.

And my ramblings are done. I hope you guys liked this fic, and please try to go easy on me. This is my first Hey Arnold fic, which means it's my first time getting out of my comfort zone, which is Yu Yu Hakusho.

And please give me reviews. I want to know what you thought!

Oh, last note: the research on depression, alcohol abuse and alcoholism came from about, mayoclinic, and WebMD. You can view these sites by putting them into the google search engine.


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